[A video game battle to win the new Bentendo OwEe game console.]
[The first battle is between Kondo and the mysterious plumber, Katsuo. Who will win?! The Odd Jobs or the Shinsengumi?!]
Now then, everyone, what kind of show
will these chosen individuals give us in order to win the new Bentendo OwEe game console?
The first battle, the girl game challenge, will now begin!
["Life and Video Games are Full of Bugs"]
I don't care if you're Mario or Sonic--it doesn't matter to me.
I'm a Zony fan! I'm going to give you a thorough thrashing!
[Note: Zony is a parody of Sony.]
Whoa, what's this?!
The Shinsengumi is skipping all of the text without reading it.
He's fast! We can't tell what the story's about!
I told you that I know all about girl games.
I know exactly what I have to do, even in the new ones.
In this part, I'm going to meet the heroine by bumping into her.
[This is bad. I'm going to be late.]
She's going to have a slice of bread in her mouth and I'm going to see her underwear.
There it is!
Ow,ow,ow,ow,ow.
Hey! What are you looking at?
A swordfish?!
This girl is not going to school with a slice of bread in her mouth, but with a swordfish!
What does she eat for breakfast?!
What's the meaning of this?
The heroine of Bakiboki Memorial is quite different. She's rather eccentric.
She's eccentric?! This is pretty fishy!
Are you saying that I have to bonk a smelly girl who has a swordfish in her mouth?
No, calm down. No matter what she has in her mouth, she's still a girl from a girl game.
"A, help her. B, hurry to school." The answer is, of course, to help her...
Are you all right?
Not the swordfish!
Oh, he's gone down the swordfish route.
What's the swordfish route?!
From this point on, he'll become a swordfish and won't be able to feel anything or move for thirty minutes.
Why is there such a drastic choice right in the beginning?!
I-Impossible. All that data I've gathered up to now doesn't help!
Thirty minutes of lost time! This is quite a blow to the Shinsengumi team!
Love doesn't always go according to the data you've collected.
Unexpected things always happen in love.
I won't make the same mistake.
Though B seems heartless, it's the correct choice.
That's terrible of you to dump me!
Why?!
There's a limit to how unexpected things can get!
I never expected her to stab me with the swordfish...
Love really is deep.
This isn't love!
What kind of world has a love story where the main character gets stabbed
with a swordfish just five minutes after meeting the heroine?!
Whoa! The Odd Jobs team has to start from the beginning.
Both players are neck-and-neck!
This is more than just even!
We still haven't heard the heroine's name!
Hey! How long is it going to take to settle this?!
Besides, it's weird to be challenging each other in a girl game!
Whoa! The spectators are voicing their discontent.
Manager!
Yes.
We shall hold the second battle simultaneously.
[Nobunaga's Regurgitation] [Note: Parody of the game "Nobunaga's Ambition."]
This is the game: Nobunaga's Regurgitation.
A drunk Nobunaga will vomit various shapes from above the screen.
When you line them up in a row, the vomit will disappear...
And your opponent's Nobunaga will throw up.
When your screen is filled with vomit, you lose.
That's just a terrible version of Tetris! What's with this screen?!
Why are you trying to make it look like it's part of the Ambition series?!
Shinpachi, it's your turn.
Why me?
Well, just because...
Yamazaki!
Whoa! Bland looking players have been chosen to play this unexpectedly bland looking game.
That was unnecessarily mean!
Let the game begin!!
Whoa, that's gross!! Who made this game?!
This is a complete joke!!
Hey! Nobunaga's thrown up a lot from the start!
Huh?
Why is it like that only on my side?
What's the meaning of this?!
Why is it that only my Nobunaga is completely drunk?!
He drank quite a bit yesterday, didn't he?
He probably got smashed after the incident at Honnoji Temple.
[Note: Historically, Oda Nobunaga was attacked by his traitorous general Alechi Mitsuhide at Honnoji Temple.]
I don't care!! Don't drag things from the past with you!!
The Shinsengumi team's Nobunaga doesn't seem so drunk.
It's probably after the battle of Okehazama.
[Note: Historically, Oda Nobunaga (outnumbered 10 to 1) defeated Imagawa Yoshimoto in the battle of Okehazama.]
He probably had a good drink after his miraculous victory.
Both drank until they threw up?!
This is tough!!
I can't handle this much vomit!!
Shinpachi!
This is bad...
Shinpachi's begun to panic. He's lost his calm sense of judgment.
He won't be able to make the rows disappear like he would normally be able to.
In contrast, his opponent is slowly but steadily getting rid of each row.
The person who uses the blandest method will win this battle.
Shinpachi will lose if he doesn't realize this.
It looks like that challenge has already been decided.
I should say, it's been decided on this side as well.
I managed to set up a date with Maguko-chan.
With her mother tagging along? You can't really call that a date.
Isao-san!
What? What about you?! You still haven't even set up a date.
I did. With just the two of us.
What?!
Katsuo-kun!
With her mother?!
Why are you hitting on her mother?!
She said she lost her husband earlier and she's lonely.
This is a girl game! This isn't a soap opera!
This is amazing! He's ignored the main heroine and went on to seduce her mother.
Where shall we go today?!
This is bad. If he doesn't bonk Maguko, he cannot win this battle.
This is bad. Zura's love of housewives has turned problematic!
This challenge has been decided! Even if her mother's with her, this is a da...
This jar is called the Jar of Happiness.
Right now, you can buy it for just ten million yen.
Isn't that cheap?
He's being suckered! They see him as a sucker, not a boyfriend.
[What will you do? A) Buy the jar B) Be happy]
Furthermore, because of his choices, he has to buy the jar.
It's game over! This is harsh! He's come this far only to start all over again.
[You are on a tuna fishing boat.]
[Would you like to start from the beginning? Yes No]
Tsk! I messed up... She still didn't like me enough to let me ask her on a date... Oh well.
The other side isn't going to bonk the main heroine any time soon.
Katsuo-san, my daughter is in our way.
In order for us to live together, we have to kill her.
It's turned into a suspense game!
I'll lure her out and you bonk her off the cliff!
Huh?
Whoa! There's suddenly an indication that the main heroine Maguko is going to get bonked.
Bonked? What?! Is that what they meant?!
Hold on a second! No way... Huh? Hey...
Was he going for that from the start?
Is that why he approached her mother?!
I told you that you can't predict what's going to happen in love.
It's over! This settles things!
The Shinsengumi team has taken his hands off his controller...
Shinpachi-kun, too bad for you.
I thought you would be on the same level as me.
It looks like I was wrong.
Even if you don't stand out, you've still got your straight man comments.
I only have badminton and kabaddi. We're of a different class.
You and I are of different levels of blandness.
It's over! This is probably it.
The Odd Jobs team has taken his hands off his controller...
What is this sound?!
Oh!
Wh-What's this?! Maguko's nipple!!
He's using the command to inspect it over and over!!
And what's this?! Vomit is being slammed against the wall between the players!
They're not dead yet!
They're getting in rapid hits!! Maguko's nipple is being poked at incredible speeds!
And on this side...he's using a ruler!! He's using a ruler to make rapid hits!!
It's bland. It's bland and unfair, but they have incredible power!
It's useless! Are you saying that you're going to bonk Maguko before I kill her?!
What are you trying to do, Shinpachi-kun? It's useless. This battle is already...
When Yoshimoto Imagawa attacked, Nobunaga Oda...
He never gave up even though he was clearly outnumbered.
What's this?! Maguko's face is slowly turning red!
Impossible! The wall between the players broke and vomit is flowing into the other side!
The guts to never give up or yield.
That's what brought on the miracle at Okehazama.
- It's as you say. - It's as you say.
You don't know what's going to happen in love.
You and I are of different levels of blandness.
Those who don't give up easily...
...can't be defeated by anyone.
[You're Under Arrest.]
But that has absolutely nothing to do with this.
The winner is Sagaru Yamazaki!
The winner is Katsuo!
I lost kind of blandly.
This is kind of embarrassing.
Now we're one against one. The battle will be decided by the remaining two.
Which one do you want to play? I don't care either way. Both look interesting.
Both look terrible.
GinTama's going to end its second year, so I guess I should clean up.
Let's clean up the garbage and start up the third year fresh.
Master, for some stations, this is the final episode.
Huh? Is that so...
Now then, the battle for the OwEe is headed towards its climax.
The first battle was a girl game battle.
The Odd Jobs team won by understanding the game's strange scenario
that wasn't really bittersweet, but just plain sour.
The second battle was a puzzle game battle.
The Shinsengumi team won by using a bland strategy
that makes you ask yourself whether this is any fun.
The final battle will decide the victors.
It is a two-on-two tag match.
A tag match? I never heard anything about this.
Well, why not? I can crush three nuisances at the same time.
Why am I included?!
Bring it on. Try to crush us.
Strange juices might come flying from our hands.
The OwEe is ours. Let's settle this.
[Note: Parody of Dragon Quest.]
This is the game you will play! Dragon Hunter 3!
It's an online game in which you are a hero who has to defeat a dark lord who's planning to take over the world.
You form a party and try to complete the game.
This game is the OwEe's best selling point.
It's a new game that makes use of a virtual controller.
By wearing these goggles, gloves, and boots...
You can enjoy this game as if you were really inside the game world.
Whoa!
This is amazing!
It looks like we're really in the game!
Gin-chan, hurry this way!
[Kintoki]
[Kagura]
Hey, my name is wrong. It's listed as Kintoki.
Names can only be four characters long.
And you can't change you name once it's been assigned, so please tolerate it.
Why is only this part of it like a Famicom?
[Okita]
[Smegma] [Note: "Smegma" is partially censored.]
Hijikata-san, neither your first nor your last name fits, so I gave you a random name.
Hey, someone let me switch teams.
I'd like to say that the first person to defeat the dark lord is the winner,
but we don't have the time for that.
So the first person to defeat the group of bandits who live in the cave to the north will be the winner.
Begin the game!
All right! Let's go!
Wait. We'll be easily defeated at this level.
We need to make preparations.
What should we do? Shall we go buy some weapons?
Or should we gather some information in town, Smegma-san?
Hey, why is it that only my hit points are so low?
Why am I in the red from the moment I was created?
Who knows? I guess it's because you're Smegma.
It seems that hit points are distributed at random.
The Shinsengumi team is at a disadvantage from the beginning.
You've got to be kidding me!! Even a slime could kill me in a single hit!
[Note: A slime is the weakest monster in Dragon Quest.]
You can slowly raise your levels here!
I don't know how many decades that'll take, though!
Hey! Why is it that I was poisoned from the beginning of the game?!
[Level 1 HP 15]
[Level 1 HP 14 Poisoned]
Why was my screen green from the moment I was created?!
This is why men are so hopeless... What woman did you get that from?!
It seems there are still bugs in the game because it's still being developed.
You've got to be kidding!
My hit points are going to fall to zero before I even leave this town!
Kagura, get me an antidote! Quickly, get me some antidote herbs!
Okay!
How pathetic. We'll be moving ahead in this game while you're fooling around.
Ow.
What the-?!
Whoa! Smegma has died.
It seems that he lost all his hit points when he stubbed his toe on that sign.
How weak is he? What is this, Spelunker?!
[Note: Refers to the Spelunker game, widely known to be unfairly difficult.]
What are you doing, Hero Smegma?
Give me a break. I don't want to travel around dragging this heavy coffin.
Wait! Hey! Take me to a church! Hero-sama!
It's all right.
I don't have the gold pieces necessary to bring you back to life at a church.
I'm going to defeat some monsters and make some money.
Hey! There aren't any monsters in there!
There's only the monster called desire!
He's been left behind! The hero Smegma has been completely left behind!
Meanwhile, at the Odd Jobs team...
Somewhere in this world there's a medicine that an elf made that can cure any disease.
According to rumors, it's in a treasure trove in the fortress city of Pales.
But Pales is occupied by Berias, the leader of the demons.
Really? Can it even cure poison?
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Don't do it. You can't reach Pales at your level.
I won't know unless I try.
Kagura, you don't need something as grand as that!
I just need antidote herbs! They sell it at the item shops for ten gold pieces.
So you still wish to go. In that case, I have no choice.
According to rumors, Berias spits poison.
Take these antidote herbs.
That's it! Kagura, that's it!
Thank you, elder. I'm going to defeat Berias.
Are you listening to me?! And why are you eating those?!
At least use them during your fight with Berias!
Beria's weak spot is his head. Don't lose.
No! Her head is even more of a weakness than it is for Berias!
Gin-chan, wait for me!
Hey, wait!
He's been left behind! Someone has been left behind on this side, too!
Now what is he going to do?! Nothing's going to get better at this rate.
We're not going anywhere at this rate.
Hey, help me out.
Help you? No way. You're my enemy. Why do I have to help you?
You could wait in that coffin for your partner who shows no signs of returning,
or you could get yourself out of this situation and advance. Which do you choose?
I'm just a corpse. What can I do?
Right now...
Curing my poison and bringing you back to life can be all dealt with if we see a priest at a church.
But I need to walk more than fifteen steps to get to a church.
If I do that, I'll use up all of my hit points. I'll die.
So what do you want me to do?
In short, I have to move without walking.
Whoa! Could this be...? It's a sled!
[SMEGMA Level 1 HP 0 Dead]
[KINTOKI Level 1 HP 11 Poisoned]
He's using a coffin as a sled!
But a sled can't move in a place without any slopes.
Whoa, it's a rope!!
But there aren't any horses... In this town...
There is something!
It's the elder! It's the antidote elder from earlier!
The elder wanders around until a traveler talks to him.
They're planning on making him pull the coffin to get to the church!
Go, Elder!
How inhumane! What un-hero-like conduct!
What will the elder do about the hero's unorthodox actions?!
Whoa! The elder isn't heading to the church at all!
As usual, he's moving at random.
Old man! Hey, act like an old man and go to pray! Please!
Whoa! This is bad!
They're headed into the field into the worst possible situation!
What the hell are you doing?!
I was tolerating this embarrassing treatment because you told me
that you were going to bring me back to life!
Shut up! I'm still poisoned!
This is dangerous.
If they run into a monster in this terrible situation, the whole party may be destroyed.
Elder! Turn back! Come back, Elder!
[There is no response. It's just an elder.] [Note: Parody of Dragon Quest line "There is no response. It's just a corpse."]
This is bad. The elder is definitely angry!
That can't be! The elder exists only to give travelers antidote herbs!
No, somehow I get the feeling he's headed to an area where enemies will appear.
No! The elder is just walking at random! The elder isn't that sort of person!
What's your problem? What do you know about the elder?
There they are! Monsters! Monsters have appeared!
[Monsters have appeared]
[Command: Fight Run Away Spells Items]
Elder! Run away! Old man! What are you doing? I'll kill you!
Elder! That old man just smirked at me! He definitely smirked at me just now!
[There is no response.]
[It's just an elder.]
No! The elder's not that sort of person!
This is bad. They're coming!
[Monster A has attacked]
Do something. If you die, we'll be wiped out!
What am I supposed to do? I don't have weapons, or tools, or anything...
[Command: Fight Run Away Spells Items → Elder]
Elder! Why are you in “Items”?!
Now's not the time to complain.
I'm desperate!
Hey, wait! Don't tell me that you're going to use the elder to…
Elder!
[Critical Hit]
[You have defeated the monsters.]
Whoa! He used the elder as a weapon to overcome this difficult challenge!
Elder!
What incredible power…
Thank you, Elder. Umm… Sorry for doing terrible things to you earlier.
[There is no response. It's just a corpse.]
Elder!
Whoa! The elder has become a corpse.
Hey, this is completely your doing…
No. The elder's natural life just came to an end.
It just happened to come exactly at this moment.
You definitely did it! Turn yourself in!
Shut up. You're just a corpse, too. Don't talk back.
[KAGURA Level 82 HP 523]
The elder's presence has disappeared! Did something happen to him?
Anyway, how strong did you get?!
That elder is no longer of this world.
She's already defeating guys who look way stronger than bandits!
The dark lord already has the medicine…
That's enough. Go and defeat the bandits already!
I've got to do something about it myself.
How are you using the elder?!
The hero Kintoki has finally charged into the bandit's cave!
Oh! That's a save point and a spring of healing.
They did it! They can finally recover, after coming all the way here.
Sorry, but from this point on, we're enemies.
Be careful not to stub your toes, Smegma.
Hold up! Give me the elder.
What are you saying?!
Don't make the elder suffer any more.
What?! We've come this far because of Elder-sama.
That's why I'm telling you to not desecrate the dead anymore.
The elder's not dead. He's still alive in my heart.
Whoa! The two are starting to fight over the elder right before their battle with the boss.
Are you telling me to part with the elder after all we went through?
I can't live without the elder anymore.
The elder should be returned to the town.
Adventurers need the elder.
The elder is forever going to be known amongst adventurers
as the legendary boomerang that defeated the bandits.
Whoa! While they were fighting, the boss battle has already begun!
[A group of bandits has appeared.]
Give him to me!
Let go!
Oh no, look out!
I understand. You understand?
Let's split him evenly.
Make sure you split him evenly down the middle.
They split him!
They split the elder!
Elder! Elder!
Hey, it's kind of difficult to use his top half.
Trade with me.
And who's the one who was talking about desecrating the dead?!
Thank you, Elder!
Where's the leader?!
Bandits continue to be defeated thanks to the elder.
The conclusion has come!
Who's going to get the bandit leader's head?!
Whoa! Suddenly, lightning strikes!
What is this power that rivals even that of the elder?!
It's the king.
It's the hero Okita! It's the hero Okita!
I hit a jackpot at the casino, and I bought a king.
What do you mean you bought a king?! What in the world did you do?!
You bastard!
You punks!!
Why won't any of you fight with regular weapons?!
Crap! I never thought you would bring a king.
The elder is nothing in comparison… At this rate…
Whoa! There's suddenly a giant hole in the roof of the cave!
Oh, what's that?
It's the dark lord! She has the dark lord!
The OwEe is mine!
Die, you fools!
You've got to be kidding?! It’s cheating to use the dark lord.
That's not fair! He's not a weapon! Die!
Yours isn't a weapon, either!
Damn it! I won't lose! I'll show you the elder's true power!
Where's the leader?! Is it you? Hey, spit it out!
This is bad. I have to take a piss. Hold on! Time out! Pee time.
I don't care about that, stupid!
Hey! Kagura, I'm going to take a piss. In the meanwhile…
Leader, please stop.
What's the deal with this gorilla-like guy?! Are you the leader?!
Sale of the new OwEe game console has been halted due to the discovery of a serious flaw.
Video games should only be played for an hour a day.
[Thank you for your support for the past two years. Please continue to support us (excluding certain areas).]
["The More Something Is Disliked, The More Lovely It Is"]
The next episode: The one hundredth episode!
GinTama's charging into its third year!
[Gintoki meets a man on the train. He is Konishi of JUMP's editorial department…]
[The GinTama anime has charged into its third year. Is this really an appropriate story for our commemorative one hundredth episode?]